There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
