wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize