I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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