Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Randomize
