Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm drive I can fine osifer
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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