he referred to my room as the tit cave...
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Floor bacon is actually really good
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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