Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
