Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
