I accidentally had phone sex last night
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize