I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
