I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
