Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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