i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize