I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
