Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
