and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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