probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
