I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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