Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I have already put on my inside pants.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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