His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
