fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
