I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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