When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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