I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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