Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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