i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
