my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Rumble strips road head = magical
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
