i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I just found a bag of teeth...
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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