Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
