she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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