I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Randomize
