I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
it was like having sex with a tree stump
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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