Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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