I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
