Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
