OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
