There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
