Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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