I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize