I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
