Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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