i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
