does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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