ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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