1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
It's blow job season.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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