I love black thongs
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
