No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize