I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
