So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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