I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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