I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
