how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
So much Jack, so little girl.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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