So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize