I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
