He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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