I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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