Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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