Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
