Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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