thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
