I don't usually arrange sex via text message
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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