TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
