you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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