Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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